May 1, 2008

alone time

perkins rowe. i love that place. me and joel often make trips down there during the weekday or on friday nights and get coffee then go walk around. its the cheapest date ever, and we find ourselves talking and laughing more than usual. good times.

we haven't been seeing a lot of each other this week since he's been pretty busy with school (as finals draw closer), and i've just been doing all the things we would normally do, plus some. its nice doing things alone sometimes. not that i don't absolutely adore spending time with joel, but sometimes i forget what its like to be, well, alone.

being married, you become "one." so how do you flex your part of the "one" without the other? you're always so wrapped up in each other because you basically have similar schedules. i constantly have to step back and realize that my identity is not found in joel, his words or his kisses(as nice as they are). it's hard to accept that fact that i don't "need" him. my mind knows that, but my heart doesn't always agree.

before joel, i had PLENTY of time to find and understand my identity (that which is in Christ). He makes me whole, and i am not lacking. being single and having a lot of "alone" time was such a special season in my life that i would not have traded for anything. i didn't claim to "date Jesus" or go to feminist rallies; instead, i just rested in Him. i, personally, wouldn't have been able to appreciate all that i have now as much without such a foundation that was built through Him during those many years.

i spent many years "alone" trying to develop my independence as a woman of the 21st century--isn't that what you're supposed to do these days? i was never one that liked to be tied down and didn't see the point in dating unless its with someone you can see yourself marrying, and to top things off, i was told i was "too picky." but i knew i wasn't. i was content in my single life and relaxed in the fact that if God had set someone aside for me, in no way was i going to waste any emotion on someone who was not just that. as i neared the end of college, i was completely prepared to never get married if that was what God has for me.

i think by the time i finally and truly accepted that, joel forced his way into my content and familiar life. and i stress force, haha. just when i thought i had it all figured out and was comfortable in where i was, i found myself planning a wedding a year later(no one was more shocked than i was). but thats why its fun to look back, not to dwell, but to learn from the past. i was confident in my identity before i was married and was almost too sure of it, so when i got married, it was a very humbling experience. where do i find my source of strength? my joy? i will admit it is a struggle, but thats why time alone can be so special to just step back and take a look at the bigger picture and be thankful for all that i have because of Him. now, if only i would be able to do that daily and not just when i'm alone. baby steps, right? :)

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